November, The Life After Moved In Balikpapan

By Riffat Akhsan - November 15, 2020

finally, this is my first time blogging with version of blogger's new backend. Alhamdulillah, all the grateful and blessed i ask to my God. because of his mercy finally my sense of blogging rising again after a very long time i lost this sense.

actually i write regularly (weekly, honestly) in, an online platform for mainstream media to spread local news on Bontang. one of my parent's company. i do write there to support them. because my father actually told me that company built from his worriness about the effort of me, my twin sister, and my mother building, an online platform that only post once in a week but has a 1500 viewers a day. a strong content platfrom with no monetation. so he build a company, hiring experienced talent to run this online local news business and we three moved our content in this platform. but legally we have no position in this company, just a writer. because when we talk about business, we jump into serious note.   

i wrote regulary at two column : Gaya, a lifestyle column that talks about lifestyle content and the other one is Diary of Auckland column, a very special column where i collaborate with a very inspiring woman. Ibu Nurul Kasyfita who still on her journey to get PhD degree in education. 

writing on Paradase is technically and mentally drain. because i know Paradase's viewers is so demanding. analytical statistic shows me that audience of Gaya dan Diary of Auckland mostly from two world class employee in Bontang. they are extremely smart and has a high level lifestyle because of their income. so the pressure to always provide adequate content is real. this ruin my energy and kill my sense of blogging slowly. 

miracly i got this sense of blogging back is because of my dreams. i wish to get IELTS test with tremendeous score, at least for me. so i hope from now until forever i will post in this blog regularly in english so i can improving my writing skill. amiin.

oke, i think enough for prologue. so lets talk about my life now.

i moved in Balikpapan actually in June. eventough my assignment is from first of April. but my company does work from home so i can work in Bontang eventhough my assignment is officially for region office in Balikpapan. i moved to this oil city at begining of this pandemic outbreak. so everythings seems bizzare. at some point i didn't know how the outbreak is really exist. because my work and daily life exactly from home haha. my office at my home's second floor. so, i do WFH since long time a go. i am an introvert too. my happiest time is about stay on my bedroom, watch korean drama or netflix, and do a grabfood reservation. 

that's actually PSBB style right ?  

but in other hand i feel the pressure. i know that the condition is far from normal. there is a psychological pressure on local goverment, news on TV, social media, it sticked me realize that this is unimaginable condition.

so at the end of May, after Eid Mubarak my manager told me that i must entering Balikpapan as fast as possible. my office swish a chance in very injury time, because of that few days Balikpapan pull out the lockdown regulation so i can enter Balikpapan from Bontang. 

for your information, i work for stated - owned company (BUMN) in consulting sector. we do a national infrastructure project. the pressure feels real because we are one of vital sectors that must always running on even the pandemic is exist. 

at the border of Balikpapan, a police officer stopped my car and ask where i am from and why go to Balikpapan. the officer suddenly shocked when i said i'm from Bontang and want to my office at M.T Haryono road. the officer with intimidating voice integorated me. i answer that question nervously, i told them i'm one of the consultant team for Toll Road Development of Balikpapan - Samarinda Project. after hearing my excuses, suddenly they gesture changed and released my car away.  
so, this is my story. 

the first month i lived at non-air-conditioner flat. thanks to stupid 30% alocation salary of financial planner meanwhile i am a pole bear's daughter. i can't life without air conditioner. my fisrt month at Balikpapan is sucks. my office workload meets non AC room gives me unforgettable learning about the importance of saving my current condition above money management. 

so the second month, at July i moved to my present flat. its like guesthouse room. a proper room with AC (this is dead price, you know), TV, wifi, private bathroom, and standard furniture like work table, chair,  and springbed. this room did not have a shared kitchen, washing machine, and washing facility. a little bit different than my previous non AC flat. but, there is always pro and cons for every flatting journey. i must deal with it. if i want everything is available, the answer is neither i go back home or building my own property. haha.  

i can't talk about my worklife because i signed Non Disclosure Agreement Contract on my office and of course it's not interesting to share. just a boring workload with exciting project. so, i give you my takeaways so far :

Meet Two Kind of Man

at the end of 2019. Winar, my indigo closest friend said that in 2020 i will meet a man that gives me DEG moment. you know,  butterfly in stomach and increasing heart rate feeling. shortly Winar said that i will meet my soulmate at mid to end of 2020.

and it happen.

in the mid of 2020, at work situation i met a very handsome guy. my senior at campus but we never met before. the youngest member of core team who assigned to work at ministry of public works and housing office at Balikpapan. core team in my workplace is like baker's scholar at Harvard Business School. the top of the top. i know he had a feeling on me. it shows from his gesture and attitude. and of course it just not my feeling only. the people of the office do validates the different act and the way he look at me. 

but the problem is, he already married a year a go. and the most importance is : i didn't feel that DEG moment. i know office affair sometimes happen in this industry because of lack of woman engineer. but i do know this is not right at all. so i absolutely know this is not the guy that Winar means.

at the end of October, i meet him. someone with HERB initial name. i meet him for very first time at his campus seminar. at that time he was a moderator for that event. the event was at night. i didn't feel that DEG moment actually. but, i'm impressed with the way he moderate the rundown and answer the question. i'm glued by his calming aura. he is the most genius yet handsome guy i've ever meet (yeah, he is  part of Phi Beta Kappa society and student of the best campus in the world).

the next morning, after tahajud, finally i felt that DEG moment that Winar said last year. i do felt the butterfly in stomach and my heart rate increasing high everytime i remember him. HERB actually, not the core team guy.   

the next day, after repetitively asking to my self with same question "what do i feel ?" i'm finally realized i want a guy to be my soulmate. to stand beside me for the rest of my life as my husband. the next day is a very first time i mention a guy's name on my pray at tahajud. i asked directly to God as his creator, to give him to me as a gift. to completed my life and soul, and to build a family with him.  
before met him, i never directly sent someone Al-Fatihah. i just addressing "to my future husband" before sent my Al - Fatihah. but with him, i dare to sent him Al - Fatihah. addressing his full name and wish God gives what i want to be with him. 

when i writing this post, i'm on preparation to came over him. i'm still wishing in my pray, in my tahajud, in my tafakur. i know HERB is out of my league. wishing him to be my husband its like a reaching the stars. so there's nothing to do unless rely on God's destiny. 

maybe someday, this post will be my nostalgic sign. i hope at the future i saw this post with unstopable gratitudes about how powerful God on my life. i wish to saw this post at the position hugged by him in his arm, kisses by him in my forehead, and telling our kids that they are a miracle of God. telling them that their mom and dad met and loving each other is because God's disposes. God's destiny. their mom was in Balikpapan and their father was in Boston. but God very capable to united two people separated by ocean. and united it in a gratefully marriage full of pray, ridho, love, and hopes.  

Spirituality Secured

i feel completed in term of spiritually's soul. this is very long story. when i moved into Balikpapan, i'm very disappointed because i'm not capable to attending pengajian of my family's spiritual leader. the situation getting worse because the pandemic outbreak. our regular tasawuf pengajian is postponed until unpredicted timetable. 

so few days a go, i found this channel. Nasarudin Umar Office who provides virtual tasawuf kajian. they provide zoominar evey monday and thrusday and the previous tasawuf kajian are provided on demand at youtube channel.

this is like oase in my sahara soul. finally i found what i'm wishing for since the first time in Balikpapan. Prof Nasarudin Umar is one of my role model outside my inner circle. he is the figured that i wish to meet someday. someone who are Ulama tasawuf but has a global perspective. this professor never went to middle east institution. surprisingly he already went to Holland, United States, Canada, and Japan. but he is Imam Besar of our nation mosque (Masjid Istiqlal) chosen by Mr. President. he also vice minister of ministry of religious of Republic of Indonesia.

his perspective on islam exactly has a same principle with the principle where i'm growing of. ahlu sunnah wal jama'ah. has a global mind but also has masjidil haram heart. islam is rahmatan lil alamin. islam is full of love and tolerance not about war and violence. islam is moderate and adaptive, not about ancient and rigid.

this channel helps my spiritually secured, other than my inner circle support system. through this channel i learn again about the meaning of God's creation. the importance of God's intervention on every aspect in our life.  the meaning of comprehensiveness faith. how to pray adequately. time relativity concept on tasawuf perspective. how to analyze God's mercy. how to deep in understanding God's destiny. either is good or bad. and the most important thing is : how to keep in faith however how hard our situation.

this is one of the reason i don't hate my monday and i'm not giving up when hump day. 

i learn mudra, i learn yoga, i learn chakra, i learn ayurveda,  i learn law of attraction, i learn mindfullness. but they are feels not appropiate for me. i can't explain why, but for me it's just not right. finally after long journey, i got my estuary called tafakur. a moment to contemplate all the grateful things that Allah gives to me. a moment right after shalat to mention my weakness and problem, my progress and obstacle, my grace and bless. 

now i know that those meditation and lifestyle is just about me and earth. exactly earth has a various energy that sparks to all of creatured who lived in it with no exception. of course we must always respect to earth so the earth will respect us and it's absulotely right. but it's contrary with my tauhid.  that's why it feels right for some people but not for me. 

tasawuf guides me back into jihad (physically/body faith) ijtihad (logical/intellectual faith) and mujahadah (spiritual/soul faith). and this is the answer : i must put Allah first. because everythings is Allah's power. including earth. i must rely everything to Allah through Dzikir, mahabbah to the Phopet Muhammad through Shalawat, and then unscrable everythings that happen into my life honestly in my tafakur session. that's the proper way. logic, realistic, efective.

like Holy Qur'an on Surah Ali Imran 191 : Who remember Allah while standing or sitting or [lying] on their sides and give thought to the creation of the heavens and the earth, [saying], "Our Lord, You did not create this aimlessly; exalted are You [above such a thing]; then protect us from the punishment of the Fire.  

note : the sahih international translates "sky" as "heavens"


Supporting My Twin's Business 

since we separated away, I'm in Balikpapan and My Twin Sister in Bontang. both of us redefine our ikigai and goal. i found that my passion is about : construction, education, and research (surprisingly i'm not corporate person, haha) and my twin sister's passion is about entrepreneur : media advertising, architecture, food and beverage.  

a few weeks a go. my twin sister launched her first step on FnB industry. metodologi kopi. they sell the best matcha i've ever drink. a very good various of coffee. and an authentic Thailand Tea. for the eatery they sell Japanese Gyudon Bowl, Singapore Hainanese Chicken Rice, and Korean Honey Butter Chicken. 

my twin sister handled the food and social media. her copywriting skill is awesome. i saw her edeavour skill to make an eye catching yet mesmerizing instagram caption. the growth of their instagram account's follower are tremendous. and the other founder is Bintang Wahyu Aji, a genius barista with glamorous taste. he handled all about beverages. and the other one is Putri. a civil servant in Bontang Goverment who has a diamond skill on marketing. they three are rock. the collaboration is wonderful. i hope Allah ridho for their business and gives them glory and prosperity.


A Vision Board

eventhough me and my twin sister have different goal, but we have same dreams. we want to pursue our dream to get degree overseas. I'm in New Zealand for Construction Law, my twin sister in United Stated for Public Relation. so all we do are supporting and praying for each other.

one day my twin sister ask me to make a dream board. things that i called as vision board. a medium where we visualize our dream and hope for the future. we must put this board right in front our kiblat. so after shalat and pray we can dzikir and shalawat while make afirmation through saw this board.

the making process is so interesting. turns out we can't put something that not our deepest desire on this board. the selection going automatically. i frequently collected, printed, and trimmed the picture that i think i'm dreaming of. but at the end it not included in this board.  this vision board making process surprisingly redefining again what i'm really want in my life at the future. there is a lot of things that i think i will die if i never have it, obviously is not that mean into my life. 

you may spotted in that vision board, i don't put anything about the famous european must visited placed like Eiffel in Paris or London Bridge. also you didn't see any other Japanese things on that board. or specific looks of homes for my future.

yeah, you are right. because those things unselected. here the reason :

first, i really feel that the most placed that i want visit in the future is snowy town with fantastic lamp at night. i'm not spesifically mention where it is. it might be in New Zealand, Nordic Country like Norwegia, or expensive tourist destination in Switzerland. the country is just option. the point is that description of place and moment. that's my dream. the other one is spesifically Singapore. yes, because everytime i went to that country i always on rush situation, so i felt like i have a debt to visiting Singapore in proper - vacation - way. and then spesifically i want to Masjidil Haram, wishing go to my targeted university in New Zealand, having black Mazda CX-5 car, Pentapolis Apartment, Hermes Herbag, Iphone, Macbook Retina Display and excactly 7 of my IELTS band score on every aspect. 

second, you may spotted a spacious comfy room with sunshine, glass, and books.  and then you see a bride. Harvard Kennedy School campus. the things i mentioned before is a vision that i rely on my HERB. someone behind the blue-love icon (on my vision board). the room simbolyze i just want it to my future home. the rest aspect is him. a bride means i just want that gown and all of flowery alive in my wedding, the rest item is up to him. Harvard Kennedy School is a choice, i have no problem didn't have a chance to that school. i just want take a photo with that background and pray someday my kids will go to there. or it's just a symbol i do respect my husband's almamater.  

the quote is resume of my big frame when i see my future : i aspire to be a woman who wakes up and loves what she does for a living everyday, travels often, spiritually secured, and financially stable

the logo of my office is not my dream. it's just a sign that i thankful to my company who has a part in my story.

after all this things, i learn to be clear. obviously i realized not all the people's dreams are my dreams. i'm not spesifically choosing a profession. i just know my passion and hope to love what i do for living everyday. i let Allah through my husband to be my partner to discuss and analyze what's next. because i just want to be ordinary woman who prioritize my family over my ambition. i let my husband take a step first, and i'll be the makmum. we will compromize to make this things works in efective way.  

this vision board will changed frequently after my dreams becoming reality one by one. there will another pictured that i put in that board. another pray. another hopes. but with the same beleived. that Allah will make it happen.

So, This Is Life Brings Me On

thank you for visiting this blog. it really praised me. if you see this part, i'm really sure that you  does praying for me. actually my life is so roller coster. i'm on position that have no choice either than keep going day by day. from weekdays to weekend. from payday to another payday.
i know everything extremely want the situation got changed. but remember, God has a story. it's about time. maybe God encourage us to be gritter and stronger. just be loyal through this process. 2020 is really hard, even for me. but don't lose your hope. because if you lose your hope, you have nothing left.

Balikpapan, 15 November 2020

Faizah Riffat ---- your blogger friend.

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