last morning, I went to my monthly routine visit to Dr. Umi. my psychiatrist since I was in Balikpapan. she asks how am I throughout the past month. how di I feel, what my traits, how far I can control my suicide crazy things, and so on.

i read all of my list. from second doses of my vaccination effect. i had a bedrest, there. and doing something looks like self isolation because it felt so hard just for getting up and went to the bathroom. I also told her about my headache after tiring yet frustrating meeting, my ringing ears, and my self diagnosis about vertigo allegation. never ending series of PPKM of government, and Balikpapan who becomes a black zone without any sign to be better. 

it was like five minute presentation. Dr. Umi just heard and at the end of my explanation, she said : you are inputting so many things in your head. curate and subtract it. told her to me. and she is continuing her statement with : control your bizarre mind and train yourself to not think about suicide. 

based on her analysis, all of my point just have one root cause : i am overthinking. nothing left.

i was freezing and re-confirmed it by saying : just it doc ? no vertigo issue ?

while straring and smiling to me, she answered my question confidently. yes. you just need to curate and subtract your mind. everything is not that important to keep your brain. if it's that important, just write it down to your journal book. you still have that book, right ?

"of course lah doc", i am laughing at her and say thank you for the consultation.

then i went to the pharmacy to take my medicine. when my name is calling, i stand up and queue. right before my turn is an old woman who had complicated illness. she receives 100 stick of insuline. 50 each. for morning and night. i was freezing and then the scene is continuing with pharmacist explained with the heart medicine, cholesterol, blood pressure, and the rest of the medication list is out of my mind.

after receiving my prescription drugs, while walking in the parking lot, i did contemplate myself. i tried to walk as relaxed as i can. i tried to walk slowly. heard my breath gracefully. realized and mindful how blessed I am. my problem just to control my mind. not to control my high blood pressure or worrying my cholesterol.

all the way to the office, my mind is full with recorded that pharmacist scene. 

i do not need that much of medicine like her. i just need to consume my one capsul every morning and night. and the rest is about giving myself courage, congratulate myself, saying thanks and happy with all the progress. good and bad. love myself more. and giving a chill for my mind.

my mantra always works. everything in the office stays there. everything about my dreams, stays in my heart. there is no mandatory to make it stress. eventough thrill and fear always tag with a dream. but i can handle it. it's about how curate and subtract things inside mu head.

ya, i just need to be grittier dan before. but do not forget to more grateful than before.

Balikpapan, 26 on August 2021

Riffat Akhsan -- trying to be more mindful and patient