K, The Answer of My Pray

By Riffat Akhsan - May 24, 2022

 
Photo by Kari Shea on Unsplash

you know, how it feels when you build a healthy relationship with someone who encourages you to pursue your dream, be suitable for each other but end up with painful heartbreak because he already match-made by his family ?

yes, I am.

my relationship with S ends in the beginning of this year. because of the situation that I've said before. He must marrying woman who chosen by his family, because of their family business legacy.

right after I know that my relationship with S is over, I felt nothing. I thought this is because I'm too confused with what actually happen in us. I lost my sense, no tears at all.
 
last for a week later.

after the"shock" phase, my sadness begin. I blame my insecurities. I always feel not good enough for his family. 

my devil side laugh so hard. 

"haha, so you must be the national champion of musabaqah tilawatil qur'an first in order to be his wife" 

said my devil within my self through this situation. of course, that feeling make everything getting worst. I lost my self-worth. I'm really think that no one wants me because of something that I can't have.

at that moment, I feel so terrible. I played the song by Cakra Khan all the time

Ku berhenti di batas ini
Antara cinta dan mimpi bersamamu
Aku sadari kini, bahwa memang hatimu
Bukan untukku

Ku kembali kepada sunyi
Kuikhlaskan semua pada takdir
Tuhan pasti tahu yang terbaik untukku
Tenanglah hatiku

Tegarlah diri walaupun perih
Berjalanlah lagi sejauh mungkin
Hingga suatu hari nanti pasti bertemu
Dengan hati yang tak menyakiti

Kugenggam hati yang sakit ini
Memang suratan, tak bisa ku memaksa
Tuhan pasti tahu yang terbaik untukku
Tenanglah hatiku

Tegarlah diri walaupun perih
Berjalanlah lagi sejauh mungkin
Hingga suatu hari nanti pasti bertemu
Dengan hati yang tak menyakiti

kepada hati, aku katakan
jangan jatuh lagi, ke hati yang salah
hingga suatu hari, nanti pasti bertemu
dengan hati yang tak menyakiti

that song speaks loudly about my heartbreak yet my optimism, also my attempt to accept the situation. I know this is God's destiny and God already serve the best man as my other half.

someone who worth enough to deserved me unconditionally

 
***

after a lot of patientness with my broken heart episodes, my family said that breaking up with S is the best destiny. because, my family is not willing enough to let me follow S path to live in Java. they (my family) wish for someone who doesn't separate me from them through zillions kilometers. therefore, they are very sure somewhere out there, there is someone who feel blessed enough to have me, love me abundantly, full of gratitude of my presence because I am more than he's praying for. and of course, that person will supports me to grow without let me down.

nevertheless, their endless support accelerate my sadness episode. thus, I recover quickly and back to my normal days without hesitation about my self-worth.

the day before Ramadhan, my family spiritual-gurus spill surprising news. he said that on his intuition visionary, there is a guy who kind, caring, and patient overshadowed my self to be his other half. my gurus said this guy might be the answer of my pray.

***

my story with K is not as romantic as others. I know him in Ramadhan 2021 because he is one of my twin sister's friends. we met accidentally when the cafe owned by my family business needs my help as waitress. then he came as visitor in the cafe in order to meeting with my sister. the other moment is when he came into my house to visit my sister who get injured at that time, and that occassion turns out being iftaar together moment for us. 

fyi, K is quite close with my sister's boyfriend.

honestly, K is the one who steal my attention since our first meeting. he has a special sex appeal inside himself that triggers people around him to get noticed with his personality. I don't find it in any other person.  or maybe I was, but the tension is not as sharps as K.

cool, kind, and mysterious.

that's my impression about K. 

at that time, I still work in Balikpapan and consider to pursue my dream to study overseas alone. then go back and build my career in Balikpapan. so, being together with K is begin end in my mind.  

but the situation changed as fast as God wants. in the beginning of 2022 I resigned from my previous job, refuse the offers from many reputable university in the United Kingdom and New Zealand, and back to Bontang. the hometown where I and K live in the same city.  

in Bontang I handled various entreprises owned by my parents with my siblisngs. here, I learn to excel how to continue family business legacy. the learning curve is quite hard. but the problems and difficulties leads me to redefine my dream and what things that actually I'm looking for.

Bontang reset my life succesfully, I reconsider my every ambitions. which one that I supposed to catch. and yes, the brokenheart moment is in this phase. God extremely roller-coastering my life at this phase. the universe happen in very unique ways with enormous blessing. I can't stop to express my gratituteness about all of God's plan to me.

***

here I am in Bontang. have a more stable-balanced life. wonderful monthly salary and yearly bonus. have my own office room. responsible for something that I think I can't excel it before. and feeling grateful day by day.

and I have K in my life, the one who be the answers of my prays. someone who get approval from every part of my family effortlessly. the kindest amongst all the guy who has relationship with me. brainy guy who owned a spoil-ear voice yet all ears for my random story. a coffee lover who creates pleasant visual with his cigarettes. somebody who not intimidated by my family business because he has his owned career pathway as civil servant. a philantrophy soul who can't see people getting hungry. someone who contributes in my Harvard- dream in the future. 

someone who accept me as I am, because he raise in kind-hearted family where appreciate each other sincerely without seeking for flaws.

someone that I loved for the rest of my life, that loves me like tomorrow didn't exist.

he is not perfect, but he is all that I want to spend my life with. 

***

I hope this post will be a reminder for our future endeavour, for good and bad, happy and tears, health and sick, sehidup semati sesurga.

Amiiin Allahumma Amiiin

thank you for reading, I hope you will find (and always stay) with someone that God's creates as your other half.




Bontang, 24 Mei 2022




Riffat Akhsan

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